he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
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