If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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