I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
