Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
