When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
