i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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