No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
