Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
