How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
