he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
