Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize