he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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