Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
