Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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