how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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