what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
