my soul wont recognize me after tonight
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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