My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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