Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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