why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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