I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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