Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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