A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Randomize
