i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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