Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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