No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
