Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
