My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
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