Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
