I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
