its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
