Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
