well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
