I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Randomize
