You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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