I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
