I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
