At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I wish there were birth control emojis
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
