my mouth tastes like poor choices
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize