The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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