You just made me feel so damn special
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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