I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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