so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
