when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
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