i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
