How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
