im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
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