He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
