Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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