no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
