that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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