your thong is hanging out like whoa
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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