Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
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