im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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