Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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