Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Randomize
